If you are not reading Parenting, Illustrated with Crappy Pictures you absolutely have to start, right now… click the link and come back!!
Cloth diapers are diapers made of cloth. You put them on a baby and the baby poops and pees on them. And then you wash them. And then you put them back on the baby. And then the baby poops and pees on them. And then you wash them again. And then you keep doing this.
Over the five years that I’ve kept doing this, I’ve come to know the good things and the crappy things.
And this is what they are…
The Good Things About Cloth Diapers
Now you might think I’m about to get on my grass-fed, sustainably raised, antibiotic-free high horse about environmental stuff but I don’t really like riding horses. Especially high ones.
Nah. Let’s be real here.
I cloth diaper because they look cool and come in pretty colors.
I can’t even tell you how excited I am when the mail carrier brings me a box of colorful diapers.
They are pretty! And soft! And come in fruity colors and patterns!
And my baby will poop on them and be so happy!
Slap a diaper on him and he is all dressed:
A similar outfit in a disposable diaper would never work on him.
Because of this:
They come off too easily.
Snaps on cloth diapers are awesome. Like tiny padlocks that keep the poop locked up.
But cloth diapers aren’t just good at poop containment!
They are also good at making friends.
I can use cloth diapers in the same way that a single guy uses a puppy. To get noticed:
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been hit on by other moms because of diapers. <–That is a very creepy sentence if taken out of context.
But they aren’t just a homing beacon to like-minded mamas, they also protect my baby.
Cloth diapers are like little padded helmets for his butt:
His big smooshy butt is pretty cute too.
And after my baby outgrows them:
I sell them. Cloth diapers retain their resale value better than cars do.
Buying a car? Skip it. Buy cloth diapers.
And did I mention they come in fruity colors?
The Crappy Things About Cloth Diapers
It goes without saying that the worst part about cloth diapering is that it means more laundry. I hate laundry. Laundry can go and die.
But diaper laundry doesn’t bother me any more than regular laundry does.
No, what bothers me is something else.
It is that putting the diapers in the washing machine causes him to poop:
This means that I’m stuck with a poopy diaper and no wet bag to put it in. It sits on my bathroom counter on top of a plastic bag. This makes for some bad potpourri.
After the laundry is done? This diaper goes in the clean bag, festering at the bottom until I do the wash again.
And you know how I mentioned those fruity colors?
Yeah. He likes those too.
But only orange.
This is yet another example of my own parenting tricks backfiring on me. I used to convince him to let me change his diaper by saying, “Come on! You can pick the color!” Bad idea.
But perhaps the worst part about cloth diapering is dealing with poopy diapers.
We have a diaper sprayer attached to our toilet.
I love this thing because you simply spray the poop off into the toilet.
But actually I hate this thing.
I hate it because sometimes I turn the valve just a teeny tiny bit too high.
Which transforms it into a water laser:
The water laser blasts the poop into a million miniscule pieces, carried by water droplets all over the toilet, floor and my barefeet.
And that is the crappiest thing about cloth diapers.
I mention some diaper brands we use in my FAQs. I’ve always used either DiaperSwappers or DiaperPin for selling outgrown diapers.
Also, I know that some of you don’t use cloth diapers. That is okay. I don’t care.
I’m not a diaperist. Some of my best friends use disposables.